"Fight Until You Can't..." Herx & EBV Update

This won't make much sense if you haven't read my previous post on what I've been dealing with this past month, so I'll wait while you go read that first... What the Herx! {13th April - 17th May}
Okay so now you're back & caught up, I'll fill you in on the past couple of days;
Thursday, I took my required drop of EBV in the morning & within an hour the now familiar aching in my lower back arrived with its new best friend tingling & throughout the day they came & went. My pain was increased, as was my exhaustion & nausea, along with every other M.E symptom you can think of.  I was also getting a sharp pain in the side of my head, it would only last about 10 minutes each time but it kept coming throughout the day & would switch sides just to throw me off. Small Herxes are still Herxes.
There were also a lot of tears this day, something I rarely do or admit to. I'm usually pretty good at keeping it all together & happy despite what I have to deal with daily. But this past month has broken me & I can feel my body giving up, it's exhausted, I'm exhausted & I felt like with each drop of the EBV I was continuing to overdose myself. 

Image Source: Instagram
By 8:30pm I was very done with the day & my mum helped me to bed. As I tried to discuss what I should do & how this treatment was affecting me, physically & mentally, I began to struggle to talk. One of my "over done it" signs is slurred speech, stammering & stuttering but this was something else! This was worse! The only thing I could get out of my mouth at one point was "I can't speak." I had words in my head but my brain just couldn't make the necessary connections to my vocal cords & mouth to enable me to speak them.
Eventually I managed to get out what I wanted to say but incredibly slowly, each sentence full of stutters, repeats of words & pauses to give my brain a chance to do its thing. It was so frustrating & thank goodness my mum knows me so well that she can finish my sentences!
If I wasn't on the EBV, then I would think I was at the start of a big M.E flare or even a relapse. I'm getting the smaller less common symptoms I haven't had in a while, along with a worsening of my usual daily ones. I decided I needed to stop the EBV. I don't think I gave my body enough time to recover from the severe Herx I had & I think there's a lot of it still in my system, along with the toxins released from the dying virus, & staying on it, even one drop a day, is just adding to the problem & making me worse. Damn Hyper Sensitivity!
It's a horrible feeling to feel like you're giving up & failed, especially when giving up isn't something you normally do. I've been someone who has kept going, coped & dealt with whatever this illness & the treatments I'm having have thrown at me. I've learnt to live with the pain, exhaustion & all the other symptoms of M.E. So this feeling of defeat is horrible but I just can't fight anymore, my body needs a break. So even though I feel like I'm giving up, I know deep down this is the right decision.
I explained all this to my Specialist in a message Thursday night & Friday was my first day off the EBV. All my M.E symptoms are still here in an increased state, I'm waking up in more pain than my normal & my nervous system is still tingling away more than it usually does. I'm utterly exhaustified {exhaustion personified!} & although I usually pull all dayers, I'm allowing myself to sleep if I need to. I don't wake up feeling any better, I usually wake trembling & feeling worse. But sleep can allow your body to use energy to help heal itself, which it can't do while you're awake. I'm still getting a sharp pain in my head throughout the day & I'm also getting a bit of pain in the same side as my liver. Breathing feels like an effort at some point & I keep getting a slightly heavy feeling on my chest. Basically I'm a wreck! The only thing that has decreased slightly is the nausea.
My speech is still frustratingly bad & the phone call with my specialist on Friday was hard to get through, for us both I imagine. My reaction is still baffling the people that make EBV & my Specialist said "You're one in a million, which can be good but not in is case." He also gave me a little pep talk, as did my mum, which I needed. I just hope in the coming days, with plenty of rest my speech becomes more normal again. I mean I'm not the most talkative person, I am better in print, but I'd still like it if I didn't have to take a good few minutes to ask for a cup of tea!
I've spoken with my Specialist again today & since my body was so overloaded with EBV, which has then caused the virus to flood my body with toxins, the plan of action now is to detox my body as quickly & as effectively as we can. This is why I can not speak properly, the toxins are effecting my brain & seem to have caused the disconnect. This whole experience has scared me & now not being able to speak properly is scaring me even more.  I just hope in time & with the detox treatment plan I'm going on, my speech will return to normal.

Image source: Pintrest
Regarding the EBV, at this moment I'm not sure I will try it again, even once it's all completely out of my system & the toxins are gone. The response my immune system has had is very similar to that of someone with an Autoimmune Disease & it's not something I want to go through again. I know the next time might be different but it might not & I'm not sure I want to put myself through this again.
So right now, I'm just willingly myself to keep going, keep fighting & reminding myself that stopping this medication is the right thing to do for me & I haven't let myself down or disappointed anyone else. The response my body has is completely out of my control. But at least I've tried it, it hasn't worked out & that's okay. My priority is to rest & take care of myself & do whatever is necessary to help my body heal after the ordeal it's been through. This means I may not be about on social media as much, just until I begin to feel better.
I hope you're all as well as possible & taking care.
L x